Well... this is something I've thought about doing for years. I guess I started it once or twice, and never stayed with it. I dunno why... a bunch of reasons I guess. Sometimes just lazy. Sometimes just not interested. Sometimes other things come up that take precedence... Sometimes it's just my short attention span. So I guess we'll see how it goes along this time.
I've got a Facebook... I've got a MySpace... I've got email, snailmail, text messages, my art portfolio, a few stories I've written. I've got friends, enemies, associates, and people that just dislike me. I've got women, girls, and some guys that like me... and just as many that dislike me. I've got games, and forums, web sites, online communities... and usenet, and IM, and IMVU, and video chat.
I flirt in just about every medium that I can access, including face to face... and I'm good at it. I have met some really wonderful people and had some amazing relationships. Some have lasted... and some have been flashes, but burned bright. I have hurt some people too... some a little, and some a lot. I guess everyone can say that... I never forget the ones I hurt though. I think they think I do... I can't talk to people I've hurt. I always worry about hurting them again... and it hurts me too much. I can't handle failure... and sometimes I'd rather cause myself to fail on my own terms rather than risk attempting something and failing outright.
I can hang out alone in bars, alone at a party, alone in a room full of people... and my biggest fear is being alone. Some days I can move through the world like a ship through water, and it doesn't effect me in the least... nothing and no-one. Some days I'm lucky to get out of bed, the weight of the very air is too much. Some days I'm on my game, and I can be anyone's friend and the life of the party... and just being with people makes me feel better than anything else.
I've been told I'm a good looking guy... some days I can see that, but those days are really rare. Most days I see an average, slightly overweight guy. I know I'm a funny guy, when I want to be. I have a quick wit, and on a good day it's lightening quick. I tend to be sarcastic, and slightly paranoid... and the people that know me best are the ones that get the most frustrated with me. The better I know someone, the more I am myself around them... and the more I need them. The simple things that most people brush past, like your friends being too busy to talk or return an email, grate on me like 20 grit sandpaper... when it's the people I really like and really trust. The paranoid part of me is always waiting for that trust to be betrayed. The more I give, the more I worry. The stupid thing is, I'm guilty of almost every action that makes me worry about someone else's intentions.
I worry about everything in my life, almost all the time. It all kind of cycles through my head... and I take drugs to keep it from getting overwhelming. Again. I fight depression... all the time. The drug I take is actually something that helps with both. Or maybe it helps with nothing, and the placebo is working... who can tell? But I take it, and I feel more human. But my "bad days" are worse than some... some of my bad days involve me curled up on the bottom of the tub, in the shower, waiting for it to get better.
I was married, and I guess I still am at the moment. Depends on what you consider "marriage" ... but if you go by the paperwork, then I am. I'm going through the world's slowest divorce, which involves me running out of money all the damn time. Just when I start to get things paid off so I cam pay for the paperwork, something stupid happens and I'm broke again. Hopefully this week we can finish it. Because I'm sick of it dragging on and dragging through my life forever. I have one son, and I would do anything for him. Well, except live with his mother... I can't do that anymore... Aside from that, anything. I think everyone should raise a child for awhile. Not everyone is qualified to be a parent... but everyone should have the responsibility, and everyone should know what it's like to look into that little face and know you have the responsibility for making him or her happy, and teaching them to live in the world and do well for themselves!
Well that's about it for now... that's not my entire introduction, there's a lot more to me than that. But it's a nice overview of my current state of mind. Consider it a "brain dump" for today. No-one will read this anyway... if I actually start updating it regularly, I'll leak it out to some family & friends. Maybe... but in the meanwhile, it will sit pretty much dormant and unnoticed. Which is exactly what I want... for now.
Until later...
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Void
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