Well, since the last time I posted, I haven't done a thing about the house. Today (about 30 minutes ago) I sent Robin an email telling her my intent to let the house go into foreclosure. I tried to be neutral about it... it sucks no matter how you look at it, and it's NOT the way I wanted things to go. I wish there was another option to having to make Jacob move... but I don't think there is. I know she SAYS she's looking into this low-interest loan... and that's part of the reason I let things go through the holidays. The other part, of course, is that I don't like conflict. But, it can't go on and on forever... and to say Nita is still upset about it would be an understatement (and understandably so). So I sent it today... the ball rolls forward on that starting now, and we'll just have to see how it goes.
I managed to survive another Christmas. I overspent... as always. Which wouldn't be SUCH a bad thing if I had credit... but I don't. So when I overspend, I bounce checks and shit goes to hell. This time it affected my friends... a check I wrote for Beth bounced, and she had to deal with it for me. That SUCKS, and I feel like hell. 1) for making my friend suffer for me, 2) because someone had to cover my ass, 3) because it was Donna & Beth of all people. They have covered my ass enough in this lifetime... what a fuckup they must think I am. For that matter... maybe I am. On top of that, I got so wrapped up in my problems, I didn't go over to thier house to pick up my present from Beth... which was perishable. They had put it in the freezer and took it out for me (on the day I said I would be there) and of course it went bad. I'm sure Beth was hurt... I feel bad. But there's always the question of: Why did they take it out of the freezer in the first place, since they know me? Probably something very reasonable, like the freezer was packed with holiday stuff so they needed the space... but then, why wait 10 days to "remind" me that I didn't pick it up? Because people are only human... even friends. Clearly they were pissed, compounded with the check bouncing, so they let it roll... Ah well, nothing to be done for it now except learn and try harder to be ontime and communicate better with... well... everyone.
Let's see... I survived New Years as well. That just downright sucked. Nita was sick, I was being my usual holiday self (pissy), Jake was supposed to come over and didn't because Robin "never got an answer from me about that night"... and Nita's kids mostly went out to friend's houses. Personally I'm almost positive I talked to Robin about New Year's Eve... I think she's getting forgetful and can't believe that she might be... because it's so not her... and just fucked up. But, I don't have proof and I'm not positive... or I would cram it down her throat. Anyway... Nita and I sat on the couch and watched movies, then paused them for the ball drop... I knocked over the champagne... we cleaned up a little, clinked glasses, cleaned up some more, kissed, and went back to movies. All in all it really wasn't sucky... we were together, no-one got hurt, things were quiet... it could certainly have been worse! But she was upset that the family was apart... and things could certainly have been better.
I dunno... holidays don't seem like what they used to be.
What's cool, though, is that I can see them changing. In my mind, looking forward, I can visualize things better... myself being relaxed around Christmas again... thing being happy and stable through the holidays... happy, that's a cool thought all alone! I can see it... I can visualize it... therefore I can achieve it. And that, friends and neighbors, is hope.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
So, since the last post... nothing has changed so far. Well... Nita is getting pissed that nothing has changed. I guess THAT changed a little... if that counts as change.
I have reached the decision (for good or ill) that I have to let the house go into foreclosure. I've come to grips with it. I don't think I ever really cared about my credit... but for some reason I've avoided it all along. It's weird... like walking along a slow river. You want to jump in and just do it, but some part of your mind is thinking, "You have NO idea what's in there, don't be an idiot". After awhile you do one of three things: Leave the river, go in slow and test it out, or say To hell with it and jump in. Sometimes the second one's not an option...
So, the house will go into foreclosure. I'm going to tell her today, she needs to know how I'm going to do this. I can't just keep giving half my paycheck away. A third is enough, thank you.
On the positive side, I saw Avatar yesterday. I took Jake and Nita and Jenny and Damian. It was an incredible thing to watch... the dawning of a new era in film making. The CG characters are amazing. Can you still tell the CG from the "real" stuff? Yea of course... we're not quite there yet. But the stuff was incredible... it's so close it should scare actors. They did it by mapping real people, actors and actresses, using computers and digital suits to capture motion and facial expressions, which were digitized by computer. The "world" was incredibly detailed, teeming with life, details that would have been missed by earlier attempts were all there... levels of detail that should have taken tears to generate by computer. Now it's down to two years to make the movie... by this time next year it will be a year... after that, they'll start thinking about how to save the facial data and body movement information so the computer can generate CG avatars without "real" actors.
Make no mistake... if you see this movie, you are watching something that will change film-making the way The Matrix did, only moreso. The Matrix gave film makers a new way to view actors and new ways to create scenes... new ways for the audience to look at what's happening in the mind of the director. Avatar gives film-makers a new way to make ACTORS, and a way to bring levels of creativity to screen that has never been possible. The possibility for audiences to see almost directly into the mind of the director.
Anyway... that was a bright spot in the last couple weeks. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of them. But christmas is... stressful for me. Actually that doesn't begin to say what the season is like for me, but I don't feel like typing it all out right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a lil blog on what christmas means to me... and what I think it means to the American public... and how all that affects my rather fragile psyche.
I have reached the decision (for good or ill) that I have to let the house go into foreclosure. I've come to grips with it. I don't think I ever really cared about my credit... but for some reason I've avoided it all along. It's weird... like walking along a slow river. You want to jump in and just do it, but some part of your mind is thinking, "You have NO idea what's in there, don't be an idiot". After awhile you do one of three things: Leave the river, go in slow and test it out, or say To hell with it and jump in. Sometimes the second one's not an option...
So, the house will go into foreclosure. I'm going to tell her today, she needs to know how I'm going to do this. I can't just keep giving half my paycheck away. A third is enough, thank you.
On the positive side, I saw Avatar yesterday. I took Jake and Nita and Jenny and Damian. It was an incredible thing to watch... the dawning of a new era in film making. The CG characters are amazing. Can you still tell the CG from the "real" stuff? Yea of course... we're not quite there yet. But the stuff was incredible... it's so close it should scare actors. They did it by mapping real people, actors and actresses, using computers and digital suits to capture motion and facial expressions, which were digitized by computer. The "world" was incredibly detailed, teeming with life, details that would have been missed by earlier attempts were all there... levels of detail that should have taken tears to generate by computer. Now it's down to two years to make the movie... by this time next year it will be a year... after that, they'll start thinking about how to save the facial data and body movement information so the computer can generate CG avatars without "real" actors.
Make no mistake... if you see this movie, you are watching something that will change film-making the way The Matrix did, only moreso. The Matrix gave film makers a new way to view actors and new ways to create scenes... new ways for the audience to look at what's happening in the mind of the director. Avatar gives film-makers a new way to make ACTORS, and a way to bring levels of creativity to screen that has never been possible. The possibility for audiences to see almost directly into the mind of the director.
Anyway... that was a bright spot in the last couple weeks. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of them. But christmas is... stressful for me. Actually that doesn't begin to say what the season is like for me, but I don't feel like typing it all out right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a lil blog on what christmas means to me... and what I think it means to the American public... and how all that affects my rather fragile psyche.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Things to change
Well... while I'm writing...
I need to change the fucking issues with Robin. She's been living off me since the separation, with no sign of that changing. She's simply content to make it look like she's doing something about it, then do nothing and wait to see if I'll give more money to keep her afloat. Also, the way she cares for Jacob sucks. Simply put... it fucking sucks. Any child that goes to tears at the thought of "going home" has some serious issues to work out.
I have started the changes in the last few days... she doesn't know yet how deeply things are going to change in the next month. Sometime VERY soon I'm going to finish the divorce. I say "I am going to" because she has no incentive to do a damn thing. I, however, and fucking sick of pussy-footing around.
So, I'm asking her for the information she says she has about selling the house, and taking her to task for a few things she's told Jacob. I'm going to look into actually getting the thing on the market in the next week, unless she can show me that she's really doing something.
She's told Jacob that she's looking into a refinance that will be low enough that she can afford the mortgage... which I believe is BULLSHIT. We'll see though... If she can't provide me some kind of information about that in the next few days, I'm going to have the damn house put on the market myself. She can live in whatever happy place she wants... but I'm not paying half the mortgage for a place I don't live, just so she can sponge off me for as long as possible... I've given enough to that marriage... it's over now, and the shit like that is going to end too.
It all just needs to CHANGE.
I need to change the fucking issues with Robin. She's been living off me since the separation, with no sign of that changing. She's simply content to make it look like she's doing something about it, then do nothing and wait to see if I'll give more money to keep her afloat. Also, the way she cares for Jacob sucks. Simply put... it fucking sucks. Any child that goes to tears at the thought of "going home" has some serious issues to work out.
I have started the changes in the last few days... she doesn't know yet how deeply things are going to change in the next month. Sometime VERY soon I'm going to finish the divorce. I say "I am going to" because she has no incentive to do a damn thing. I, however, and fucking sick of pussy-footing around.
So, I'm asking her for the information she says she has about selling the house, and taking her to task for a few things she's told Jacob. I'm going to look into actually getting the thing on the market in the next week, unless she can show me that she's really doing something.
She's told Jacob that she's looking into a refinance that will be low enough that she can afford the mortgage... which I believe is BULLSHIT. We'll see though... If she can't provide me some kind of information about that in the next few days, I'm going to have the damn house put on the market myself. She can live in whatever happy place she wants... but I'm not paying half the mortgage for a place I don't live, just so she can sponge off me for as long as possible... I've given enough to that marriage... it's over now, and the shit like that is going to end too.
It all just needs to CHANGE.
Art
I have this t-shirt that says "Art is one of the few things left worth doing" ... and another that says "Go to your studio and make something". Sadly, I have done VERY very little of that lately, and it's wearing heavily on me.
In the last week I sat down and made two drawings... one called "Bad Mood" and onc called "Out Of The Darkness". The first started out with the intent of being something light hearted... but as usually happens, what comes out on the paper is not under my control. What appears there is a combination of my state of mind, and the particular spirit that speaks to me that day... And since I was in a particularly bad mood and had just bitched at my girlfriends kids at the dinner table... well, what came out was a bust of a horned, 4-eyed, black demon. Really pretty good stuff... the shading was quite good. But not what I expected. The second was what I intended... but as often happens when I direct the pencil, the quality was not as good. "Out Of The Darkness" is a fairy coming through the page and stepping from the "dark side" of the page onto the "light side". It's not bad, but it reminded me that I need practice... the head is a little too large, the legs a little too short... and I never did really get the hang of hands.
I guess both of them reminded me of that... looking at "Bad Mood", the horns aren't quite symmetrical (yea yea... but the left horn starts at the wrong point of the head, makes it look completely off.... IMHO). The eyes don't sit quite right for me... and there's a thing kind of like gills on the visible side of the head (it's a 3/4 profile) that I know doesn't belong there. It fits ok... it just felt like a cop-out when I drew it... as if I couldn't quite see what really belonged there.
It's a strange feeling... but lately I've had the feeling that there are things in my head that need to be drawn. Not so much that I feel like drawing... which I do, but that's different.... more that I haven't been drawing in a long time, and there are things in there that need to be put on paper. Like they've been collecting up in the cobwebs or something. I dunno... like I said, it's a strange feeling.
A friend of mine asked me to do a drawing for her, a phoenix. It should be interesting... Controlling what goes to paper is not always the most productive for me, and color is generally not my friend. I've been working a lot in pencil lately... single color, penned over with extra-fine point sharpie afterward. That seems to work best for me, seems to flow most naturally. But hey, I need to work with pencil and paper more... and maybe this will help some. I figure it shouldn't take more than three tries... of course that assumes that I have time to start it. Maybe Thursday...
I'll try and scan the other two and post them!
In the last week I sat down and made two drawings... one called "Bad Mood" and onc called "Out Of The Darkness". The first started out with the intent of being something light hearted... but as usually happens, what comes out on the paper is not under my control. What appears there is a combination of my state of mind, and the particular spirit that speaks to me that day... And since I was in a particularly bad mood and had just bitched at my girlfriends kids at the dinner table... well, what came out was a bust of a horned, 4-eyed, black demon. Really pretty good stuff... the shading was quite good. But not what I expected. The second was what I intended... but as often happens when I direct the pencil, the quality was not as good. "Out Of The Darkness" is a fairy coming through the page and stepping from the "dark side" of the page onto the "light side". It's not bad, but it reminded me that I need practice... the head is a little too large, the legs a little too short... and I never did really get the hang of hands.
I guess both of them reminded me of that... looking at "Bad Mood", the horns aren't quite symmetrical (yea yea... but the left horn starts at the wrong point of the head, makes it look completely off.... IMHO). The eyes don't sit quite right for me... and there's a thing kind of like gills on the visible side of the head (it's a 3/4 profile) that I know doesn't belong there. It fits ok... it just felt like a cop-out when I drew it... as if I couldn't quite see what really belonged there.
It's a strange feeling... but lately I've had the feeling that there are things in my head that need to be drawn. Not so much that I feel like drawing... which I do, but that's different.... more that I haven't been drawing in a long time, and there are things in there that need to be put on paper. Like they've been collecting up in the cobwebs or something. I dunno... like I said, it's a strange feeling.
A friend of mine asked me to do a drawing for her, a phoenix. It should be interesting... Controlling what goes to paper is not always the most productive for me, and color is generally not my friend. I've been working a lot in pencil lately... single color, penned over with extra-fine point sharpie afterward. That seems to work best for me, seems to flow most naturally. But hey, I need to work with pencil and paper more... and maybe this will help some. I figure it shouldn't take more than three tries... of course that assumes that I have time to start it. Maybe Thursday...
I'll try and scan the other two and post them!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
On work...
There was a time I enjoyed this.
Sitting at a computer, working on code... numbers and letter floating in virtual space, creating a reality within an electronic universe. Even a tiny little reality that does nothing but print a few words... I have control over the little electronic universe in there, I can make power conform to my requirements. I can take cycles from the system, conform them to my will, and just for an instant I can make change the flow and make SOMETHING from random energy and very basic controlled flow of commands between hardware and simple software. Just for that instant, SOMETHING exists that is purely mine.
The more time I spent, the more complex my SOMETHING became. Adding more and more to it, until it almost takes on a life of it's own. hundreds and thousands of commands, and more... complicated decision processing... sucking data in from users and from across the ether... filtering and examining data, and pouring it back out again... to users and files and back across the ether. Talking to other programs... other people's little universes in which they control the power and the data... making my data conform to their needs, and vice verse... to make a system work smoothly. Creating a system that is more than the sum of it's parts, that can grow as it's used by end users, who's creativity can expand and extend the system by exploiting things that I hadn't even considered. Making my little universe more than I had intended or envisioned....
Then going on to create a new one... and another and another.
There was a time I took pride in my ability to do that.
This is not that time.
Sitting at a computer, working on code... numbers and letter floating in virtual space, creating a reality within an electronic universe. Even a tiny little reality that does nothing but print a few words... I have control over the little electronic universe in there, I can make power conform to my requirements. I can take cycles from the system, conform them to my will, and just for an instant I can make change the flow and make SOMETHING from random energy and very basic controlled flow of commands between hardware and simple software. Just for that instant, SOMETHING exists that is purely mine.
The more time I spent, the more complex my SOMETHING became. Adding more and more to it, until it almost takes on a life of it's own. hundreds and thousands of commands, and more... complicated decision processing... sucking data in from users and from across the ether... filtering and examining data, and pouring it back out again... to users and files and back across the ether. Talking to other programs... other people's little universes in which they control the power and the data... making my data conform to their needs, and vice verse... to make a system work smoothly. Creating a system that is more than the sum of it's parts, that can grow as it's used by end users, who's creativity can expand and extend the system by exploiting things that I hadn't even considered. Making my little universe more than I had intended or envisioned....
Then going on to create a new one... and another and another.
There was a time I took pride in my ability to do that.
This is not that time.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Welcome to the Void
Well... this is something I've thought about doing for years. I guess I started it once or twice, and never stayed with it. I dunno why... a bunch of reasons I guess. Sometimes just lazy. Sometimes just not interested. Sometimes other things come up that take precedence... Sometimes it's just my short attention span. So I guess we'll see how it goes along this time.
I've got a Facebook... I've got a MySpace... I've got email, snailmail, text messages, my art portfolio, a few stories I've written. I've got friends, enemies, associates, and people that just dislike me. I've got women, girls, and some guys that like me... and just as many that dislike me. I've got games, and forums, web sites, online communities... and usenet, and IM, and IMVU, and video chat.
I flirt in just about every medium that I can access, including face to face... and I'm good at it. I have met some really wonderful people and had some amazing relationships. Some have lasted... and some have been flashes, but burned bright. I have hurt some people too... some a little, and some a lot. I guess everyone can say that... I never forget the ones I hurt though. I think they think I do... I can't talk to people I've hurt. I always worry about hurting them again... and it hurts me too much. I can't handle failure... and sometimes I'd rather cause myself to fail on my own terms rather than risk attempting something and failing outright.
I can hang out alone in bars, alone at a party, alone in a room full of people... and my biggest fear is being alone. Some days I can move through the world like a ship through water, and it doesn't effect me in the least... nothing and no-one. Some days I'm lucky to get out of bed, the weight of the very air is too much. Some days I'm on my game, and I can be anyone's friend and the life of the party... and just being with people makes me feel better than anything else.
I've been told I'm a good looking guy... some days I can see that, but those days are really rare. Most days I see an average, slightly overweight guy. I know I'm a funny guy, when I want to be. I have a quick wit, and on a good day it's lightening quick. I tend to be sarcastic, and slightly paranoid... and the people that know me best are the ones that get the most frustrated with me. The better I know someone, the more I am myself around them... and the more I need them. The simple things that most people brush past, like your friends being too busy to talk or return an email, grate on me like 20 grit sandpaper... when it's the people I really like and really trust. The paranoid part of me is always waiting for that trust to be betrayed. The more I give, the more I worry. The stupid thing is, I'm guilty of almost every action that makes me worry about someone else's intentions.
I worry about everything in my life, almost all the time. It all kind of cycles through my head... and I take drugs to keep it from getting overwhelming. Again. I fight depression... all the time. The drug I take is actually something that helps with both. Or maybe it helps with nothing, and the placebo is working... who can tell? But I take it, and I feel more human. But my "bad days" are worse than some... some of my bad days involve me curled up on the bottom of the tub, in the shower, waiting for it to get better.
I was married, and I guess I still am at the moment. Depends on what you consider "marriage" ... but if you go by the paperwork, then I am. I'm going through the world's slowest divorce, which involves me running out of money all the damn time. Just when I start to get things paid off so I cam pay for the paperwork, something stupid happens and I'm broke again. Hopefully this week we can finish it. Because I'm sick of it dragging on and dragging through my life forever. I have one son, and I would do anything for him. Well, except live with his mother... I can't do that anymore... Aside from that, anything. I think everyone should raise a child for awhile. Not everyone is qualified to be a parent... but everyone should have the responsibility, and everyone should know what it's like to look into that little face and know you have the responsibility for making him or her happy, and teaching them to live in the world and do well for themselves!
Well that's about it for now... that's not my entire introduction, there's a lot more to me than that. But it's a nice overview of my current state of mind. Consider it a "brain dump" for today. No-one will read this anyway... if I actually start updating it regularly, I'll leak it out to some family & friends. Maybe... but in the meanwhile, it will sit pretty much dormant and unnoticed. Which is exactly what I want... for now.
Until later...
-
Void
I've got a Facebook... I've got a MySpace... I've got email, snailmail, text messages, my art portfolio, a few stories I've written. I've got friends, enemies, associates, and people that just dislike me. I've got women, girls, and some guys that like me... and just as many that dislike me. I've got games, and forums, web sites, online communities... and usenet, and IM, and IMVU, and video chat.
I flirt in just about every medium that I can access, including face to face... and I'm good at it. I have met some really wonderful people and had some amazing relationships. Some have lasted... and some have been flashes, but burned bright. I have hurt some people too... some a little, and some a lot. I guess everyone can say that... I never forget the ones I hurt though. I think they think I do... I can't talk to people I've hurt. I always worry about hurting them again... and it hurts me too much. I can't handle failure... and sometimes I'd rather cause myself to fail on my own terms rather than risk attempting something and failing outright.
I can hang out alone in bars, alone at a party, alone in a room full of people... and my biggest fear is being alone. Some days I can move through the world like a ship through water, and it doesn't effect me in the least... nothing and no-one. Some days I'm lucky to get out of bed, the weight of the very air is too much. Some days I'm on my game, and I can be anyone's friend and the life of the party... and just being with people makes me feel better than anything else.
I've been told I'm a good looking guy... some days I can see that, but those days are really rare. Most days I see an average, slightly overweight guy. I know I'm a funny guy, when I want to be. I have a quick wit, and on a good day it's lightening quick. I tend to be sarcastic, and slightly paranoid... and the people that know me best are the ones that get the most frustrated with me. The better I know someone, the more I am myself around them... and the more I need them. The simple things that most people brush past, like your friends being too busy to talk or return an email, grate on me like 20 grit sandpaper... when it's the people I really like and really trust. The paranoid part of me is always waiting for that trust to be betrayed. The more I give, the more I worry. The stupid thing is, I'm guilty of almost every action that makes me worry about someone else's intentions.
I worry about everything in my life, almost all the time. It all kind of cycles through my head... and I take drugs to keep it from getting overwhelming. Again. I fight depression... all the time. The drug I take is actually something that helps with both. Or maybe it helps with nothing, and the placebo is working... who can tell? But I take it, and I feel more human. But my "bad days" are worse than some... some of my bad days involve me curled up on the bottom of the tub, in the shower, waiting for it to get better.
I was married, and I guess I still am at the moment. Depends on what you consider "marriage" ... but if you go by the paperwork, then I am. I'm going through the world's slowest divorce, which involves me running out of money all the damn time. Just when I start to get things paid off so I cam pay for the paperwork, something stupid happens and I'm broke again. Hopefully this week we can finish it. Because I'm sick of it dragging on and dragging through my life forever. I have one son, and I would do anything for him. Well, except live with his mother... I can't do that anymore... Aside from that, anything. I think everyone should raise a child for awhile. Not everyone is qualified to be a parent... but everyone should have the responsibility, and everyone should know what it's like to look into that little face and know you have the responsibility for making him or her happy, and teaching them to live in the world and do well for themselves!
Well that's about it for now... that's not my entire introduction, there's a lot more to me than that. But it's a nice overview of my current state of mind. Consider it a "brain dump" for today. No-one will read this anyway... if I actually start updating it regularly, I'll leak it out to some family & friends. Maybe... but in the meanwhile, it will sit pretty much dormant and unnoticed. Which is exactly what I want... for now.
Until later...
-
Void
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